The Miracles of a Sick Baby

Looking back at the last ten months of my son's life I'm overwhelmed by the amount of emotions, heart aches, successes, failures, dreams, and nightmares that have surrounded him in such a short time.  The ups and downs of a sick baby's life is hard.  Hard doesn't even scratch the suffice really.  The baby I gave birth to is gone but the little boy I have is nothing short of amazing.  Someone once described him to me as pure love.  I agree.
The thing that used to seem so wrong to me was that Bridger was perfectly normal to begin with.  He was right on target with all of his development and I never saw this coming.  My baby could never get sick! 


3 days before the seizures started

He did though.  I can't change that.  I've finally reached a point where that is ok.  There are many things that we never would have felt, experienced, or become if this had not happened. 

I know I say this often in jest but when Bridger got sick and put on all of his medications he reverted back to a newborn.  At first this really bothered me.  I have thought about it a lot though and how often do each of us look at our kids and remember how sweet they were as newborns?  How often do we wish we could have those moments again where they innocently laid in our arms as we rocked them to sleep?  I got several extra months of that.  What a miracle.

Being delayed indicates a sense of slowness.  I've grown to love slow.  Slow doesn't mean behind.  It means I get to enjoy Bridger's developmental steps that much longer and I appreciate those little steps that many take for granted.  I get to watch in amazement as he slowly develops those little things that so many don't see as a big deal.  Grabbing your toes is awesome!  Grabbing your toes on both feet is even more awesome!  Sucking on a binky or even being able to put it in your mouth is amazing.  Having the ability to make sounds, ANY sounds even if they are screeches is a beautiful thing to hear.  Being able to smile through the layers of swollen puffed up skin just make your day.  Holding your own bottle is a blessing.  Eating baby food is a miracle.  Having a delayed baby, what a miracle.

When I was pregnant I used to always say to Jake that I don't think I could ever take care of a sick baby.  I don't think that I could handle that kind of heartbreak and stress.  I don't know if I could do it.  I often hear people say those same phrases to me.  The thing is when that moment hits you square in the face you have to choose.  Do you love your child or not?  Will you fight for your child...or not?  The truth is that millions of people face hard things like this everyday.  Almost all of them chose to fight.  Somehow you build an inner strength that at once never seemed possible.  So to those who say to me that you don't think you could do it...I promise you that you could.  What a miracle.

Bridger's seizures forced us to face many obstacles.  I often ask myself how other people do it without an amazing support system? Our whole family has been such a strength to us.  People compliment us on how well we seem to do and I can never say thank you without mentioning how much help we receive from our family.  Our family has spent many days and nights watching Bridger, praying for him, crying for him, crying for us, loving us, and going through the motions of this insane roller coaster ride called our life.  They are a huge strength to us.  What a miracle.

When Bridger stopped developing and regressed back to a newborn I never thought I'd see my son smile again.  It was heartbreaking.  We thought there were no options out there for us.  Early Interventions has been a huge blessing our life.  Our physical therapist has brought so much hope back into our home.  I remember when Bridger lost mobility in the left side of his body Jake feared that he'd never be able to take Bridger up in the mountains with him or take him shooting or ever get to have those father-son bonding moments.  Since Linda (our PT) has come Bridger has changed so much.  You can't even tell that he has a left sided weakness anymore.  Bridger can play with toys (with BOTH hands!), he can roll, lay on his tummy, and even sit up all by himself!  Plus he smiles.  All the time!  The resources out there are amazing.  What a miracle.

 

          
Bridger is a miracle.  He is the happiest child I have ever seen.  He is so content with who he is.  He loves everyone.  He rarely cries (only when the orange syringe comes!) and he smiles and chats to everyone.  He knows that he is SO loved.  He is truly a child full of nothing but pure love.  Regardless of how his future may turn out he is nothing but love and he will always be loved.  That is the thing I have noticed about those who are sick and delayed.  They have this aura of pure innocence and love.  They carry it everywhere.  I'm grateful Bridger was able to gain that.  It is something he will always carry proudly with him.  That is a miracle and one that I'm glad we gained.  Despite everything it was all worth it. 

What a MIRACLE.