Five Stages of Grief

When Bridger got diagnosed (see Infantile Spasms--Bridger's Story) and I fully understood the severity of his illness I can honestly say I began a very painful grieving process.  There is a thing called the "5 stages of grief."  It is used a lot when people are faced with death, chronic diseases, etc.  It never dawned on me that this is what I was going through until I broke down to my aunt one day.   
With this new realization I understood that what I was thinking and feeling was normal...necessary...but still down right painful. 
To understand the five steps of grief a little bit better here is a video that explains it..PERFECTLY!  

   
These all happened in no particular order.  Some I seem to still return to and others I have managed to work past. 

Denial

The neurologists seemed so optimistic.  How could I not be?  Regardless of the awful things I read about Infantile spasms I wanted to believe that my boy was the exception.  There was no way that I could have a boy like this. This-is-no-big-deal!  The neurologists know what they're doing.  He will be fine.  There is no way that my little boy won't turn out just perfect.  They probably didn't even diagnose him right.  He just can't be sick!  This is all just a mistake...right?

Wrong...

Anger

He got worse and I got angry.  Why aren't the neurologists fixing him?  What the h*** did we do to deserve this?  Why did God put him on the earth just to suffer like this?  Why isn't God helping him?  I don't want a kid like this!  This is f***ing stupid.  I hate my life.  I hate seeing Bridger suffer.  I am going to punch the next person who asks me how he is doing.  He-is-suffering.  He-is-miserable!  LEAVE ME ALONE.

No one left...

Bargaining

Anyone there?  Look I will never swear again if you just make him better.  I will be the best mom on the planet.  I will raise him to be a hero, please just make him better.  I will go to church every Sunday and I'll even do my visiting teaching!  I'll go to the temple every week.  I'll feed the homeless.  I'll be a stay at home mom and I'll never leave his side.  I'll do whatever you ask just PLEASE...heal my baby!

Are you there God...          

Depression

Yes I do still cry every single day.  My poor baby.  How could this happen to him?  He hurts so bad, daddy hurts so bad, I hurt so bad.  He was so perfect.  He smiled, he laughed, and now it's gone.  Why give me such a perfect baby and take him away?  Why?!  It is cruel.  I still can't think about his last happy days without sobbing.  I'll never have a baby again.   
I wish he would just die.  Not because I don't love him with every fiber of my being.  Not because I don't want him to live.  I just don't want him to suffer anymore.  I don't want him to possibly go through out the rest of his life suffering like he has.  Perhaps this makes me a bad mother for thinking this.  I don't think so.  I just want his pain to end.

Just make it end...
 
Acceptance     

This is ok.  He is going to be ok.  Maybe this disease is a type of protection.  Maybe he was someone so wonderful in heaven that God couldn't bare to let him be tortured on earth by the Advisory and his angels.  We'll put him in therapy and in rehab.  He'll learn.  We'll learn.  This is but a small moment in our life.  He is still alive.  He is here with us and he is still our sweet little boy.  He is strong and he will be ok regardless of the outcomes.  Bridger is a fighter and we'll be here to pick him up when he falls.  I love him no matter how he turns out.

Each day is different.  No matter the stage that I am in Bridger is still here and really that is all that matters.