Why I didn't do a birthday for my son this year.

Birthdays. Celebrations, family, balloons, cake, and loud singing. Children laughing while wrapping paper flies through the air. Birthdays. A time to reflect on the yesterdays and to look towards the tomorrows. Birthdays. A word that I loath.
Not because of the work, the mess, the chaos, or even the crazy family. I love being apart of those moments and memories. This is the first year that I have avoided a birthday.

This. This is why on February 13th instead of cake and ice cream I held my son tighter that night. This is why instead of parties I cried myself to sleep. This. This is why I felt pure agony the whole day.
Not because my son isn't the happiest, sweetest, most loving kid you will ever meet. It is because as a parent I can see the amazing story that Bridger should have lived. The amazing story that HE deserves. The story that continues to lay shelved and untouched. Bridger's story and legacy that he leads now is amazing. I am truly in awe of how far he has come. However I will always bear his untold story in my heart that no one will ever know.

That is true agony.